


Loss and Lessons

by ginatoldmeso



Series: Steve Grant Rogers / Chris Evans ONE-SHOTS [6]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Nomad Steve Rogers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 11:07:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16952844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginatoldmeso/pseuds/ginatoldmeso
Summary: Steve knocks on your door 2 years the civil war, but he realizes you’ve moved on.





	Loss and Lessons

You didn’t expect him to knock at your door. **  
**

Of course, when you had left you knew one day your past would resurface… one doesn’t simply stop being an Avenger, after all. You were on SHIELD’s radar, they kept an eye on you and you knew it. Nevertheless, you didn’t expect Steve Rogers to knock at your door, not after all this time, not after he had broken your heart and left you with nothing but a hole in your chest. No matter what you did, that feeling of emptiness was always there, consuming you.

You had begged him to sign the accords, you had tried to convince him there was another way and that he didn’t have to fight, but it hadn’t been enough. You knew how important Bucky was to him, and of course, you didn’t expect him to stand down and abandon his friend. But you hoped that he cared about you enough to stay. Apparently, you were wrong.

“We didn’t know where else to go”. You don’t reply, frozen on the doorstep of your apartment as you register what is happening. There’s a silent plead in Steve’s eyes, and something else that you cannot quite recognize.

“It’s just for a few days, Y/N. We just need a place to lay low, then we’ll be out of your way”, assures you Nat. Her voice sounds tired.

They look the same, Sam and Nat. Sure, they’re clearly worn off for having to run and hide for almost two years, and Nat’s hair is blonde now, but they have the same look in their eyes. You can’t say the same about Steve, though. That’s what you’re thinking as your eyes return on his face, almost unwillingly, trying to find something familiar behind the messy beard and the rebellious strands of hair. It’s like coming home after a while and finding that it isn’t there anymore. The man in front of you has Steve’s face, but there’s something dark and harsh in his blue eyes that wasn’t there before. And that’s what scares you the most.

Silently, you move just enough to let them in.

The living room is quite small and packed with stuff. The sofa isn’t large enough to host the four of them, so you bring a couple of chairs from the kitchen. You silently pour some drinks, as they study the room. “So you really did it. You’re living as a civilian”, observe Sam, and a tender smile hovers on his lips. You nod, glancing once again at the small sofa. A sofa made for two people, like the rest of the house.

“I don’t have beds for you. You’ll have to make do”. Your warning doesn’t bother them one bit, of course. They’ve been on the run for almost 2 years, now, comfort isn’t exactly a priority.

Nat smiles at you. “Thank you, Y/N. I know how hard-”

“No problem”, you cut her off. You don’t really wanna hear her words. You can’t afford to hear her talking about how difficult it must’ve been for you, especially when Steve’s piercing gaze doesn’t leave your face for a second.

A sudden noise of bare feet tiptoeing on the cold floor catches your attention. Steve’s head is the first to turn, and you can see the others tensing.

“Babe? Is everything okay?”. You raise your head to look at the woman who has just spoken in a soft concerned voice. You can see her eyes widening when she recognizes the people in front of her. She’s aware of what you used to do, what you used to be, but she still doesn’t know why you cut ties with all your former teammates. It’s not something you gladly discuss, and she never asked you to, something you’re very grateful for.

You let out a sigh and smile tiredly. “Yeah… go back to bed, don’t worry”. She stares at you for a moment before nodding and leaving.

*****

Your mind won’t stop buzzing, as you place the kettle on the burner. You think about nothing and everything. About the Avengers, about the warmhearted woman sleeping in the other room, probably wondering why the other side of the bed is empty. And about Steve.

“She seems nice”. His familiar low voice, that was usually able to calm you with one word, startles you. You find his eyes, and the metallic taste of blood fills your mouth as you bite the inside of your cheek.

“She is”

Steve glances around, nervously scratching his neck. That void that’s always there, ready to swallow you, feels worse all of a sudden. You find yourself absent-mindedly wondering how can emptiness hurt so much, but there’s no mistaking the burning pain in your chest, right where your heart should be.

When Steve asks you if you’re okay and you see the concern in his gaze, you realize you’re crying. It’s a quiet weeping, with no sobs. Only hot tears rolling down your cheeks. “How could you do this to me?”. Your voice comes out in a whisper, and you can see his jaw clenching.

“I’m so sorry… I really am. But I had no choice”

“You did, we all had a choice. But you chose to leave us- to leave  _me_ ”. You angrily try to wipe out the tears from your face, but you can’t seem to stop crying. “We could’ve found another way, together… But you just had to make a decision for everyone, like always. You’re a selfish man, Steve Rogers”.

The words are coming out of your mouth in a wild flow, and Steve flinches. Then he scoffs in anger. “Oh, now _I_ ’m the one who decides for everyone? I left because I had to, but now that I’m here it’s clear you are the one making the decisions”. A confused frown finds its way on your face as you try to make sense of Steve’s words, as he goes on. “It’s been less than two years and you already have a new life, Y/N. You’re the one who made this choice for me, you’re the reason why things cannot go back to normal!”

Without you even realising it, you slap him. It’s like time has been frozen. None of you two moves, as you feel your hand stinging.

“I-”, you start, but he shakes his head.

“I’m the one who should apologise. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean it”

You throw yourself on the nearest chair, burying your face in your hand for a moment and trying to recollect your thoughts. When you finally speak, your voice sounds hollow. “What did you expect, Steve? For me to wait and hope for the day when you’d come back?”. You let out a joyless chuckle. “That was never an option”

“I know. I just- I miss us”.

His daunted confession lingers in the air, and you gave him a sad smile. “I do, too. Every day”. Before he left, you and Steve were something. You had yet to figure it out what, but you’ve always thought there would’ve been plenty of time to discuss that. “But that was before. I love you, Steve”. You can feel the salty taste of your tears on your lips. “I always have and I always will”

He’s staring at you, and you can see that he understands. He looks away, nodding. “But that’s not enough, is it?”

“That’s not enough”, you repeat, and there’s a hint of apology in your voice.

He caresses your cheek and you can’t help you close your eyes for a second at the feeling of his loving touch. Then you pull back. He chuckles, ignoring the pain that’s echoing through his body like an old and forgotten song. “Guess I should’ve learned the lesson, by now. And yet I keep being too late”


End file.
